Self-compassion for international students – Part 2, By Dr Vanita Chamdal (she/her)

Part 2: Finding connection through common humanity

Common humanity vs. isolation

Part 1 of this blog series explored the importance of being kind to yourself, Part 2 focuses on something equally powerful: remembering that you’re not alone in your struggles. According to Kristin Neff (2022), this is the second core component of self-compassion: common humanity.

And it couldn’t be more relevant for students adjusting to a new country, a new culture, or even just the new world of university life!

 

Why feeling ‘different’ can feel so overwhelming

When you’re having a difficult day, maybe you misunderstood something in class, felt lost during a group discussion, or struggled to make new friends, it’s easy to fall into a distorted way of thinking:

‘Everyone else seems fine.’

‘I’m the only one finding this hard.’

‘I must be the odd one out.’

Neff (2022) explains that this is an emotional reaction to perceived stress. This perception can narrow our awareness, where it can feel like you are the only one struggling whilst everyone else is effortlessly coping. Feeling different in this way can create a sense of isolation and loneliness, which in turn makes the stress worse!

For international students, this can be intensified by cultural differences, unfamiliar academic expectations, or navigating a new language. But during times of perceived isolation, it’s important to remember that struggle and stress are experienced by others and you’re not alone, even if they don’t show it. Without such experiences, it is challenging to achieve growth and personal development. Every student around you, even the ones who look confident, fluent, or organised, has been or is going through some kind of challenge.

Understanding common humanity: You’re part of something bigger

The concept of self-compassion invites us to remember that challenges, mistakes, and vulnerability connects us to others (Marcos, 2016).

Common humanity highlights that:

• Everyone faces difficulties (even when the challenges differ).
• Everyone feels uncertain, lonely, or overwhelmed at times.
• Everyone makes mistakes and learns through trial and error.

This perspective is especially important for students transitioning to university. Research consistently shows that feelings of loneliness (Özdemir & Tuncay, 2008), homesickness (Van Tilburg & Vingerhoets, 2007) and dips in well-being are normal and are expected among students, regardless of whether they are international or domestic students (Bewick et al., 2010).

Connection reduces isolation and strengthens belonging

So far, we’ve spoken about how normal it is to sometimes feel isolated, and that everyone experiences stress in their own way. So, what now?

It’s important to start reframing your perspective with self-compassion at the centre of your focus. When you allow yourself to recognise that others are experiencing similar challenges, a few things happen to you:

• Feel less ashamed for finding things hard.
• Are more willing to reach out for support.
• Are more open to connecting with peers instead of withdrawing.
• Feel part of something, not separate from it.

This is especially relevant if you’ve felt disconnected socially or culturally. Adjusting to a new environment often involves cultural differences, language worries, or feeling out of sync with those around you or your environment. But common humanity offers reassurance: You are not the only one navigating uncertainty.

Some examples of what common humanity looks like:

• You miss home and feel guilty about it
  → Instead of ‘I should be over this by now’ try ‘missing home is not a linear process, some days things are easier, whilst other days it can feel heavier, lots of other students feel this way’
• You’re struggling to communicate with others and make friends
  → Instead of ‘there must be something wrong with me’ try ‘many people have different ways of communicating, there are always opportunities to keep learning’
• You didn’t understand an assignment
  → Instead of ‘everyone else gets it except me’ try ‘most students need clarification when learning a new system/way of working/difficult topic.’
• You feel your worldview or values differ from others
  → Instead of ‘I don’t belong here’ try ‘universities bring people from many backgrounds together, everyone is navigating differences in perspectives and learning.’

This isn’t about minimising your experience, it’s about placing it in the wider context of the human experience, so it feels less heavy and less isolating.

Next: strengthen your sense of common humanity

Once you’ve started the process of readjusting your perspective, it’s worth engaging in some practical steps:

1. Look for evidence, not assumptions

When your perspective says that ‘everyone else is fine’, question it! Have you actually spoken to anyone about how they’re feeling? You may find, the majority are feeling the same as you!

2. Join societies and communities

Common humanity grows through connection. You may try joining:

• cultural societies or special interest clubs
• academic groups
• wellbeing events
• sports teams
• peer-support groups

These spaces remind you that others are also adjusting, learning, and trying to find their place.

3. Share your experiences with people you trust

You don’t need to disclose everything, small moments are often enough to strengthen connection:

‘I found that lecture difficult too’
‘I get nervous speaking in seminars’
‘I miss home sometimes’

Chances are, someone will say, ‘me too’.

4. Reframe struggles as shared experiences

The next time you face a difficulty, try adding this sentence: ‘This is part of being human’
It may feel simple, but repeated practice helps you feel more grounded, remove internal pressure and help you feel less alone.

Why this matters for your wellbeing

When students feel connected to others, their well-being, resilience, and sense of belonging increase significantly (Henry, 2012). Recognising common humanity can reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, and isolation, partly because it reduces harsh self-judgement and increases emotional regulation (Seppala et al., 2013), key elements of positive student adjustment.

Key Takeaways: You are not alone

• Isolation distorts reality: Stress makes us believe we’re the only ones struggling.
• Common humanity reconnects us: Everyone experiences difficulty. Challenges link us to others rather than setting us apart.
• Shared vulnerability reduces shame: When we recognise our common humanity, we feel less isolated and more supported.
• Connection builds belonging: Reaching out, joining societies and sharing experiences strengthen your sense of being part of something.

References

Bewick, B., Koutsopoulou, G., Miles, J., Slaa, E., & Barkham, M. (2010). Changes in undergraduate students’ psychological well‐being as they progress through university. Studies in Higher Education, 35(6), 633–645. https://doi.org/10.1080/03075070903216643

Henry, S. K. (2012). On social connection in university life. About Campus Enriching the Student Learning Experience, 16(6), 18–24. https://doi.org/10.1002/abc.20083

Marcos, A. (2016). Vulnerability as a part of human nature. In Ius gentium (pp. 29–44). https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-32693-1_2

Neff, K. D. (2022). Self-Compassion: theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74(1), 193–218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047

Özdemir, U., & Tuncay, T. (2008). Correlates of loneliness among university students. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, 2(1), 29. https://doi.org/10.1186/1753-2000-2-29

Seppala, E., Rossomando, T., & Doty, J. R. (2013). Social connection and compassion: Important predictors of Health and Well-Being. Social Research, 80(2), 411–430. https://doi.org/10.1353/sor.2013.0027

Van Tilburg, M., & Vingerhoets, A. (2007). Psychological aspects of geographical moves: Homesickness and Acculturation Stress. Amsterdam University Press.